Ok guys, I am posting something a bit personal, but who knows, it may help someone going through similar feelings. And this is also for me...you know, writing something down and proclaiming it means you have to do it....right?
So, I can tell you, for the past month or so, I have been down. Like every day has been kind of a drag! And I'm not like that. I've never been a pessimist {a pretend one, yes, but a for real one, no}. Especially over the past year, optimism has been really important and necessary. And I have been great at it! Literally through what should have been the toughest times, faith and optimism made them really easy times! But for the past month, it has been like, nothing has gone right...in my eyes. I mean, I could name off a million blessings right now, so we have and still do receive blessings, I'm not trying to say we haven't. And this isn't even regarding the cancer thing, with that, my optimism and faith hasn't wavered. Even in times that it tries to, {you know, 'rely on the testimony of others'?} I can rely on the faith, feelings, and blessings of others and everything pops back up where it's supposed to be. And that stuff is all over! You'd think this would be the easy time!! I guess it gets harder AFTER the trial??
This is more of my personal life. Let me make this clear again, not my married, ChrisandMorgan, life, but my, Morgan, life. How do I say this without sounding incredibly selfish....well, this is a selfish post, lets face it. oh and lets also acknowledge the fact that I have been sick for a week now, then gave it to Chris who is currently passed out on the floor because of feeling crappy, so that also could be tied to the emotions. oh yes, and also the weather, the weather {cloudy, rainy, cold, windy...} depresses me. That is not helping. And lack of things to do. Being bored kills me. That {my justifications} all being said, do you ever feel like what you want just wont happen? Like, for example, living in a small town....nothing I ever hoped to do but something that I am trying to enjoy. Something that I'm SURE I could have enjoyed much faster back in my social school days. But now, getting a job {which I am extremely grateful I did, let me say that first, I had no doubt Chris would because, it's Chris, but I was worried about me}...I just think...I have my degree in advertising, something that probably most advertisers don't have, and I'm going to be an admin? Like, I think, if we lived in NYC {and I didn't want kids ever}, I could work my dream job at a renowned firm on the 22nd floor in Times Square {my internship} and work my way up the ladder, while Chris went to NYU and got some killer job downtown! But I'm working as an admin in a town whose biggest store is a walmart. Ok, that got a little off subject. But you get the idea of how I've been feeling lately right? Like nothing is going my way, for me. Selfish...yes. Sometimes I can be selfish. But that's not the only thing, there have been lots of things, things that I don't care to plaster on the internet, that have added to this loss of optimism.
I mean, I've gotten to a point where I literally say to myself, if I want something, I have to hope for the opposite, and then I'll get what I want...like...if I want or hope for something, it most definitely wont happen. It's hurts me to think like that! Especially for one who has lived a carefree, happy life since she can remember!! It honestly makes my heart heavy.
So, enough of the sob fest. Here is where we are. Laying on the couch, taking a nap {a recent daily ritual since I don't have too much to do}, and my old brain {old meaning brain prior to these couple of months....not relating to my age....lets not go there} suddenly clicks over and thinks, cut it out! Op-ti-mism! And I swear to you the clouds parted a bit, and the sun came out for a second.
So here it is....everything is going to go my way again. If I want something, I'm going to get it again, no matter what I have to do to get it. Things are going to be fun. Because life is meant to be enjoyed!! And because everything always works out for me. It always has, and it always will. So enough of this downer, sulking, life sucks crap. Life doesn't suck, it's actually quite great!
That's my resolution. xoxo
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